‘My world has become too full of noisy thoughts,’ it suddenly occurs to me, as I scroll down facebook looking at updates, shares, and shoutouts.
I close facebook.
But I open yahoo and scrolled down through the news topics and lifestyle hacks.
The thought occurs to me again… ‘My mind has become too noisy with the thoughts of others…’
I stop what I’m doing as I realize…‘I’ve allowed the world to think for me.’
This realization surprises me.
I’ve become a copy-paste personality. I see what people post on facebook and I want that, too. I see where they go, and I wonder, can I go there too?
No wonder it’s so hard to pray. Somehow, I’ve lost bits and pieces of myself in the pursuit of…pursuit of the future and earthly stuff. Business. Family. And God has somehow fallen as a very very low priority. I’ve pushed back God to be like an emergency life jacket. Only take Him out in times of emergency. Or I’ve made Him like a piece of hidden jewelry. I only take Him out of my mind’s bodega, ‘dust’ Him off, and parade my ‘relationship’ to Him during special occasions (like church activity).
What did I do?
What have I done?
I’ve been rereading my old journal entries and I break. I weep.
What has happened to me? I’ve never moved but I’ve become lost.
LORD, what did I do to You?
I am so sorry, Lord. But sorry isn’t worthy enough of a word. It feels so cheap for the many times I say that to You. How can You still accept me? Love me? Cherish me?
I know what You’re going to say. You’re going to say, “I’ve never stopped loving you.”
I know its true. But my heart whispers uncertainly, “You do? How can You continue on loving me when I wasn’t loving You? Can it be true?”
I pause.
And You answer, ‘Alysia… Love is immeasurable. I love you even when it hurts. Love never stops hoping. Read 1st Corinthians 13. I put My love for you in writing so that you will know how much I truly love you, and believe.’
1st Corinthians 13:4-8 (The Message)
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything…
Lord…what do I say to that kind of love?
I will never be able to love You like that. I will fail You, the way I’ve failed countless of times.
“I never asked you not to fail. But I have asked you to get up and walk with Me. Get up, dust off the past, and walk with Me again. Don’t wallow in self-pity and self-condemnation. It doesn’t bring You close to me. It just makes you cling to your past. Self-pity and self-condemnation is not from Me. Yet you wear it like a cloak—you have become your own executioner and warden—condemning yourself in punishment. I don’t do it to you nor do I want to. So why do you? Let it go. Forgive yourself. Because I have forgiven you.”
You have forgiven me?
“Yes, Daughter. I forgive you. I do not hold your sin above your head, like a swinging axe, to remind you of how you’ve failed Me. Instead, I hold out my hands…show you the scars on my wrist…and open My arms wide to offer you My embrace. Which do you choose? My love and forgiveness…or your act of self-condemnation? Freedom in Me? Or self-enslavement in self-pity?
Get up. Rise up. Here, take My hands. Let Me help you. And let Me hold you in My arms. I love you.”
Lord, as I write this down, even I doubt it. I think of what people might think if they read this journal entry. Thoughts of facebook comments fill my head, arguments, etc. etc. My mind is buzzing with so many conflicting thoughts.
Yet I feel You like a mom soothingly shushing the noise to a gentle quiet. “Just enjoy My presence. Don’t think about what others might say. Just enjoy My gift of love… Let Me be a haven to you from the noise. And just bask in My presence.”