The ugly monster called envy reared its ugly head yet again.
My husband Matthew and I have been struggling with possible financial losses because of a misunderstanding with a client who threatened not to pay him for the work he painstakingly did for many weeks.That same week, he and I had dinner with a family friend and her fiance who invited us to dinner to just catch up. Over dinner, our family friend Selena and her fiancé were all smiles and laughter as they recounted how they easily earned 250,000 pesos per day!
And as they were talking, envy reared its ugly head.
‘See?’ Envy hissed in my heart. ‘They earn money so easily while you and Matthew languish in losses and painstaking hard work… Don’t you just find it so unfair? Don’t you just hate them? They do whatever they like…regardless if it’s right or wrong…and they get rich so easily…’
Envy slithers around my heart and tightens its grip. ‘You and Matthew are nobodies. You will be stuck forever in your situation, just barely getting by. And while you languish, your friends will easy-breezy keep getting richer, get married, have beautiful children and live happily ever after.’
These thoughts fill my heart while I struggle to keep a smile on my face and be sincerely happy for Selena while she continued chatting about their “easy” earnings.
In the midst of this struggle, as I prayed for help, God’s small voice broke through envy’s grip. I felt HIM ask me, “Do you remember our previous conversation? Is Selena’s line of work something that you want to do?”
Me: “No Lord, eeeeww…I don’t think I even like her work. I don’t think I’ll be happy.”
God: “Do you believe that Selena is completely happy and free from envy?”
And I realized that while Selena may be happy about her money, she was unhappy about many things. She complained a lot about her family and even her fiancé. In fact, she often told me that she is envious of me and my life.
Which made me realize,
Life is like a circus.
I envy her. She envies me.
In Genesis, Rachel envies Leah for being able to give Jacob children. While Leah envies Rachel for being loved by Jacob. They end up pushing Jacob to sleep with their maids. And then later, all the sons envy Joseph. Etc. Etc. It’s a never-ending circus!
My prayer is:
Lord, please help me to surrender to You my envy.
It’s not good because envy causes me to be ungrateful about what You have given me.
It blinds me and distorts my perspective.
I recognize that while I live on earth,
Sin will always try to reign me in and enslave me
But I refuse to be its prisoner.
Because of the freedom I have in You.
Please take the reins of my life, and reign over every part of my heart.
I want to be in desperate need of You.